Ego as the Sacrifice
Our ego is shaped by external circumstances, our environment, upbringing etc. We take it to be ourselves until something shakes this self image and proves us otherwise. The initiations such as Abramelin serve this purpose. In our daily lives the attention is directed solely onto the outside world. Our ego is built from it and solely interested in it. The inner world seems at least irrelevant to it and at most hostile to it. To be able to cut of from the constant input/feedback of our environment means inevitably having to look inside ourselves and be confronted with the dynamics we find in there. The inner landscape can be perceived as purely mental/psychological. I consider it the safe zone. We might be deeply moved and transformed by exploring it but it seems to me like a stroll in shallow waters.
The true surprise and transformation happens when we dare to go deeper and explore the inter-dimensional worlds. You will know you entered them when the inner reality takes on external, objective shapes and forms. Once there we face a choice to deny/run from it or to open up to it. This reality has its own laws and principles and seems to be largely independent of us. The intelligences that inhabit it poses their own will, personalities, limitations just like we do. I did not find a single entity there that would be omnipotent. They seem to be interested in us and willing to collaborate. From my interaction I get the impression that we have a lot to offer them. So much so that they can pay us an unexpected visit in order to get our attention.
The predominant emotion of experiencing such an ‘intrusion’ is fear and anger. In our world an unexpected/unidentified entity crossing over the borders of our domain will be most likely be greeted with a warning followed by open fire. We carefully negotiate terms and conditions by which we allow others to approach and get close to us be it in military or personal terms. Our culture tells us that uninvited visit/contact is unacceptable and we interpret it as a violation of our autonomy/freedom/rights etc. The entities inhabiting the magical realm/s do not reason in the same way we do. They see reality differently. Our territorial disputes make no sense to them. The greater reality of the material world presents itself to us as an image of everything eating everything else. This can not be easily married with our sense of ego and survival instincts. We constantly commit acts of what we term ‘violence’ since it constitutes our nature to do so. For us violence becomes a matter of morality. We justify killing in one case and condemn it in another, but we carry on killing none the less.
This moral justification process lies at a base of our identity/ego and sense of self. It is also one greatest sources of misery we cause to each other, since we make it up to suit ourselves as we go along. The image of being devoured constitutes a central theme of many initiations such as Chod Practice in Tibetan Buddhism. In Christianity this theme has been represented by the image of the crucifixion. The sacrifice of the self. This is a notion that goes totally against everything that the ego stands for. To willingly sacrifice yourself for others means to transcend the illusion of separateness. For us the image conjures the worst horrors but to the entities not inhabiting our dimensionality there seems to be nothing evil about it. The sacrifice constitutes the centre of Sun mythology and brings us to the heart. A very contemporary theme of love verses fear.
When we open ourselves up to the intrusions and ‘violations’ coming from this other dimensional space we willingly sacrifice our ego. We surrender our boundaries and limits in an unconditional way. No wonder that such act has been considered madness by all but those who succeeded at it. The disintegration of ego reveals to us a very different picture of reality. One where the predominant power/emotion is love and compassion. We no longer see the world as constant circle of violence but one of self sacrifice. The narrative that structures our sense of self changes dramatically. No longer do we see an act of selflessness as a sign of weakness. We recognise it as a fearless, uncompromising power to create and live. Our ego realigns itself to the internal dynamics and forces that work in accordance with this principle. We restructure ourselves to it. We recognise that by pursuing the social narrative our egos are based on, i.e. protecting our boundaries/borders/ accumulating wealth/resources to ‘win/be on/top etc. we inevitable set ourselves to fail. In the end we all end up dead, rotten and eaten by worms and there will always be someone stronger/better to beat us into submission by threatening our survival. There are no winners in this game!
Once you no longer fear death and have no imposed boundaries you fight to protect, you begin to understand the true meaning of power. You understand the absolute responsibility that lies in your hands for every action you take. You can no longer be wimpy or scared, you see no point in blaming anyone for anything and you no longer accept such excuses from others. In this sense you begin to see the reality in a way much closer to how our otherworldly visitors see it. The reality based on pure love expresses itself through unconditional, unyielding sense of inner truth. One that can not be compromised and therefore will be ultimately more powerful that any other orientation. The True Will of Thelema.
Ego as the Agent.
I mentioned in my earlier blog that the willingness/readiness to undergo this process can be determined by your life circumstances. Like Aaron Leitch said, go for it if you have nothing to lose. I personally feel that you should go for it no matter what, but perhaps it is easy for me to say this. Going through Abramelin helped me to realize that my life was very difficult and padded with traumatic events. I was always told that I was a happy child. No one was beating me up or raping me and I was never hungry. My mother being chronically depressed and suicidal, my father being permanently disfigured by debilitating illness, my grandparents both suffering from serious emotional issues connected to PTSD acquired during the wartime, were not ‘real problems’. For my family denial was a coping strategy. I normalised it and assumed that ‘life was tough for everyone’. I ended up living from day to day making no future plans as if today was the last day on earth. I learned to be tough on myself and expected everyone else to be that way. Such assumptions made it very hard to form healthy relationships with others since most people felt me to be somewhat insensitive and arrogant or even ruthless. This in return attracted people who had violent tendencies, trapping me in a destructive circle.
During the beginning months of Abramelin, when my bond with my HGA became strong and we could communicate, I asked them to break my ego. This is what I thought the purification process was about. I wanted my HGA to help me do that. The response surprised me. All I could feel coming from my HGA was an overwhelming sense of love and compassion paired with a sense of immense empowerment. Their response was Don’t you think you experienced enough of that? Be gentle to yourself! I felt totally confused. Perhaps this was a key to open up and accept reality. Being tough on myself was not going to get me anywhere apparently.
My purification was largely composed of constant reassurance from my HGA, a proverbial shoulder to cry on and letting go of all the bottled up feelings, regrets and anger. My HGA not only guided me through facing it all but also strongly directed me to build up my ego. It was really not what I expected form Abramelin at all. Completing the process left me feeling a lot more confident, optimistic and at peace with myself. In psychological terms it helped me to reframe how I perceive my life and myself. Instead of blaming myself and others for my ‘misfortune’ I ended up seeing my life as a unique chance/training that allowed me to be where I am now. My HGA helped me to reorient my ego away from reflecting the outward reality. Instead the ego became an agent through which my HGA can express themselves in the world. The feeling is incredibly liberating and empowering.
I have been accompanied by otherworldly visitors my whole life, guided and aided by them to be truly free. If I had chosen to pursue wordily goals and succeeded, I would have become too invested in this reality to give it up. Like many of my fellow magicians, I would have been doing magick to assert myself, gets my sales going and keep ‘uninvited spirits’ at bay, interpreting their intrusions as hostility instead of seeing them as an invitation to learn and communicate. I wouldn’t have the unique chance do develop a strong bond and relationship with them. Did they target me and manipulate me to serve their agenda? Is the spiritual/mystical path a simple recruitment into their legion? Perhaps, but for all it is worth, I have no regrets. Orienting myself to my HGA seems worthwhile in a way that nothing else ever has. I would rather work for them than a big corp, the military or the government. Ultimately we need to choose what we sacrifice ourselves for. Doing so means truly owning ourselves and being in control of our life. If we do not make this choice someone else will do it for us.